When I was a kid, I used to have a nightmare - over and over again. I was locked in this house with no doors, just windows and the house was slowly flooding. Concrete grey all over. And my darkest fear was that water is going to reach the plugs and I'm going to die electrocuted.
I told my mom about it - she said that even in dreams I can stop it and dream about something else. It's true. I never had that dream ever again.
My 2011 was like a nightmare battle where you keep fighting but you're not getting anywhere. You want to prove yourself and the whole world that you're the absolute best.
You have no idea who you're fighting with. You know that you simply have to keep doing it cause... wait. And you stop. Why do I have to do this? I'm way too tired for this and I don't like this armour. It doesn't match my eyes.
And you drop your weapons and say, fuck it. I quit.
When you drop the sword, the battle stops and suddenly everything is changed. It's not a battle anymore. It's a dance in the dark. You have no idea how to do it. You heard about people elegantly moving together but you have no idea how to do it. Oh wait, there's music. Oh my, so many new things.
And you start moving, led by something you can't explain. You're clumsy as hell and you feel ashamed, naked in a ballroom where everyone seems perfect.
And then, the ballroom warms slowly by guiding floating lights and you have a pretty dress and a tiara and you're not that bad. You're still very clumsy and still scared but there are some people smiling at you while you unintentionally step on somebody's foot, light is complementing your eyes and you trust yourself to keep doing this new thing, even if you're not very good at it.
Color and love flood the space behind your eyes.
I wanted this post to be a confession about the many things I've began to see only this year.
I pictured it smart and full of wiseness. Instead all I could write is ( if you've reached this far ) what you've already read.
I was blessed with pain and guiding lights disguised as people teaching me, tenderly and sometimes not so tenderly about music, vulnerability, friendship and love.
Thank you beautiful people in my life.
I like dancing with you. I can only hope I'm not stepping on your foot too much.
Keep on teaching me new moves please.
I wish we all have an elegant year no matter what the DJ plays.